I just found out that another one of my friends- Maria, is engaged. They got engaged on June 18 and are getting married December 18. They're already registered and she has pics up on her website. Maria was never one to do things halfheartedly though. I'm excited for her, because I know that shes really always wanted to get married, but I still dislike this pressure in this area to be paired off before you graduate college. Honestly, I can't imagine my finding someone who I could be with for the rest of my life- someone who wouldn't annoy me. I mean, I do think that sometime I'll get married, but I really feel like God has something more in store for me- something that I need to do. Right now, I'm going to be too busy to think about all of that kind of crap, with summer program, and teaching in the fall, and writing, and getting my cda, and moving, and getting the River started- which we're getting closer and closer to, in fact, we're closing on our building today!! all things going as planned we will start having our Exhibition Services the first week of august and have our grand opening September 12. I'm so psyched to get into the neighborhood and into our building! I'm trying to not let myself get too busy- I've been having to resist the impulse to volunteer for everything. If I did that, I know that I'd quickly get overwhelmed and then not have a servants heart for Anything, even the things that I'm really passionate about and feel called to right now. As Christians, sometimes we seem to serve out of guilt, or because we think theres no one else, or because we just want to be seen as the most holy. So, I'm restricting myself to the things that I really feel are where I'm called.

So, I'm having people over for the 4th of July at my parent's house. There's usually some good fireworks because the people either get permits, or just buy illegal ones, and the lake allows you to really see them, so I'm pretty excited, but I let myself get too worked up, and worried about being the perfect hostess, when what I really need to do is relax and enjoy myself. But this should be pretty good because there's built in entertainment and the lake is always there to swim in. we'll probably have chicken on the grill and S'mores by the lake during the fireworks, and the thought is making my mouth water right now.

We used to go the Balloon Festival and sit all day to watch the fancy fireworks, until one year a thought struck us collectively- we don't really care that much about the fireworks, not enough to sit all day in the hot sun and then for 2 hours without moving in the parking lot afterward, so now we haven't gone in a couple years. I'm excited to have something out at the lake, because the 4th is one of those holidays where you want to be doing something, but it isn't worth driving home if you live a couple hours away and you don't want to spend a ton of money to do something either.

Freaking Me OUT!

Lately, I have been thinking about my story quite a bit, and about how I have changed in the past few years to become a more generic version of myself, in order to me more accepted, even among Christian circles. I have been thinking about writing my story- I think its part of the whole trust and openess thing that God has been hitting me over the head with lately- and tonight I was casually looking over the web when I came across a writing contest from Zondervan. Its a non-fiction writing contest and the winner would be published and receive a prize and all of the usual fanfare, but what really excites me is that I'd be published and that I might be able to impact people and have them learn from my experiences. Now I'm not saying that this is a sign that God is going to have me win, and that this will make me rich and famous or anything, but I certainly see it as a sign that I should at least try. I also think that it will help me to get it out there and put it on paper- but thats really scary because there have been certain things that I have kept hidden, even from myself. So often I've used my blog as a prayer request message board, but this one is really scary for me folks, and even tonight when I was at my parents house a lot of it was coming back in a way that freaked me out, and in a way that is something that I will have to continually pray against if I am going to do this. I know that I probably sound over-dramatic here, but I am being dead serious about my feelings about this, and about guarding myself.

so, I'm not moving to Timbuktu any longer- just taking a vacation there- or at least in Mattawan. Since my parents are officially off on their month long vacation-extravaganza, I thought that it'd be a good opportunity to make good use of their beautiful (non-white box) house and the handy-dandy laundry facilities there. I figure if I can't afford a vacation, I will give myself a fake one. I can have a fire in the fireplace, watch movies, go swimming in the lake, do laundry... I know that may not sound like much of a vacation, but the idea of unlimited washer time seems like a dream come true. and honestly, having some carrie time is really appealing too. I'm planning on using some of the tiem for more intense writing as well. There won't be as many distractions there. I love to be around my friends and I love my work, but I find that I function better as a writer when I am mor secluded. By the time that I get home now, I have already used up all of my creative juices for the day. I just need to find a good balance between random walks and relationship analysis and genuis quality writing.

Not that I'm going to dissapear for a month or anything, but it does sound good to have someplace to go where I won't have the bloomin fan blowing on me, and have kara sit up and laugh her evil genius laugh at me in her sleep (love ya girl.) Ooooo, I fogot to mention a year- landscaping, flowers, a garage, a real mailbox! I need to start saving my money and buy a house or something. Or maybe just a roomier place.


I can't believe I just said "Ooooo" over a mailbox. May I reiterate that I am a dork?

(I've also realized that by writing about my desire to be a writer in written form has opened me up for people to critique my writing style and have them say "her, she thinks she can be a prefessional writer? I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. Look where I work.)

I forgot to mention that my dear YOUNG mother is starting her own blog! Yay- I'm influencing at least her. But I her that shes already unhappy with what its called, so theres no telling if I'll actually get to read it, but it would be entertaining to hear insights from the mother of the Queen of Over-Analysis.

Getting Drunk

So, I was out with my mom last night. we went to see Shrek 2, since we were both hot and bored and I'd been paid so I was able to do something fun. It was better than I thought it was going to be, which is nice since I'd paid the exorbitant amount that they charge nowadays for computers anyways. It was cute, but I can see why some people didn't like it, because the newness and the "oh my gosh its the gingerbread man" and, "wow- they did a great job with the graphics" is all gone. But the story was cute and moved along at a good pace. and then my mom sprung for food at McGinnis Landing, which I haven't been to in a long time. Pretty good and humongous portions, so we split the cashew chiken linguini- mmmmmm. And i had a daquiri, which has been one of the few times I've ever drunk in front of her and certainly the only time that I've had to drive after, so she was a little worried. It was just one average sized drink, and I didn't even finish it because she was talking about one of the few times she was drunk and how sick she was and what she'd had to eat that day, so it kind of threw me off the whole thing. Thankfully, thats something I haven't experienced, and I have been blessed with a good enough brain to hopefully never do that. But, dude, enough people want ot get me drunk! I don't know what it is, I guess they just want to see me uninhibited- which I admit that I could be at times, but for the most part, the people who want to get me drunk are people who I wouldn't really trust to take care of me if I were really smashed. Such as my brother- all sorts of pranks he could do to me run through my head. and travis- even more possibilites for torment. anyways, yes I was fine driving home- though my mother said it disturbed her that I wasn't even slightly tipsy from my drink- though I though that would be a good thing. Whatever. shes a mother- she has liscense to make no sense.

(Sorry mom- I know you read this sometimes.)

Tonight we had our second meeting for our greeting/fellowship small group at the River, and its really exciting to see things taking shape, but tonight really brought it home that we will be starting our Practice services in the chapel this Sunday. I'm debating coming to the early service because we're in the middle of a series on Joseph. and I want to hear the ned of it, but maybe it'd be better to make a clean break. I'm just pumped to be meeting regularly with these people and to have an opportunity to get to know more of them!

Okay, now I feel like an even bigger dork after reading Lisa's blog because she sounds so greatful for the new school and for me the newness has already worn off in the face of dragging myself back and forth 40 bajillion times a day from the daycare. and the supplies for the classrooms are, shall we say, somewhat better than the after school room- which I've already been warned not to get to comfortable in because someone else will come along soon enough and need it. Man- there I go again, whining about my piddly little problems- how many more times can I say "me" or "my" or "I" or "mine"??? A few more maybe??

Okay, on a positive note- Kortnie's wedding shower was yesterday and it was wonderful. It was so beautiful to see her aglow with love, and the thought of having a home with her future husband. dude- I'm tearing up here- you'd think I had pms or something, but this is just normal 100% carrie. I guess it just highlighted my desire for that, and that I may never have it. The shower was beautiful, hosted by Kort's aunt and sister, in shawna's super-cute home. we even played "What Would Kelly Say?" and the man in question was videotaped answering questions that we had been previously given to decide what he would say. Kort had to chew a piece of bubble gum for every wrong answer, but got a hershey's kiss for every right one. she did pretty well, but had enough bubble gum to be a second tongue by the end. Very entertaining.

I'm Moving To Timbuktu!!!

Did you ever have one of those days where you just wanted to run away from all of your responsibilities and flee to China or the Virgin Islands, or even just to Maine? That was my day today, and yesterday. I guess I can try to justify it by saying that my parents are taking pretty much a month long vacation to Maine and wherever else they feel like going, angie's going to england, annie to Cedar Campus, val's at camp and going to Scotland, Paul and Melissa are going to Florida, Alicia to India, and just about everyone else on the planet is getting married. And there I sit in my little room with the little kids. But they're soooooo great- they just eat up whatever you plan for them. Even the dorkiest things like making something out of playdoh and then everyone has to go around and guess what each other's are- they loved it- and took 20 minutes making their creations, I mean, how horrible of a person am I to want to run away from some of the best kids in the planet? I must have spring fever- I just want to get out and DO something, but money, inhibitons, time, and many other things are preventing me from doing anything. And I'm tired of sleeping in a room with two other people- I'm a grown up (despite my child like whining at the moment), not on some endless slumber party. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow, it'll be payday- so I can at least go to a movie or something. Urg- I am a big butt-head. I think that its just the devil eating away at some insecurities I have right now and exploiting them. I feel like a dork for having let it get to me. I can apply just about everything in my life to Caedmon's Call, and this just popped to mind:

I can't decide if its the Devil,
Or if its just someting I ate,
'cause hes been down there all morning
Hes patiently waiting at my gate,
Hes throwing rocks at my window-
"Hey won't you come on out and play,
with me."

(i can never remember the names of songs, but lyrics come easily to mind, so sorry if you want to know which song that is)

I need to gp pray- and sleep!

So, I was thinking this morning that its ind of ironic that I chose the address of my blog to reflect my hobby of soap-making, since I was tired of being only know as carebear for all things computer related, but now I haven't made soap in a seriously long time. I think that I ODed on it a while back, but I do have a lot of birthdays and showers and other celebrations coming up. And its deifinetly cost effective since I have all of the supplies already. and I guess it really wouldn't make sense to change the address now anyways- I think I would have to pretty much create a whole new blog, and I don't have the time or energy to do that right now.

Y'all Will Be So Proud

I began to write a long post about the things that I have been musing on today, but then I stopped myself and deleted what I had written. The Queen of Over-Analysis has just decided that she is too tired to analyze everything to death- at least for today. It was a good day today, even though we had 23 students for Circle Time in the afternoon and it was more than a little crazy. Alicia and I discussed the situation and I think that we worked out some of the bugs in the program, and hopefully our trial tomorrow will go a lot smoother. I won't toy with your intellects by telling you what all of the problems have been- but my stress level is much less than last year at this time, because I am not stranded in a room alone for the entire day, as I was last year, and I have the entire room for my kids, as last year all of annie's stuff needed to still be in the room. Its exciting to be the first to use the new school, and I am trying to instill a sense of respect for the school and the money that it has taken to give it to them. Annie called me around 4:30 to ask if it was okay for Mark to borrow my goggles, and that made me sad, as I sat there in the 90 degree weather, thinking about annie, lisa, angie, mark and jess all out in the pool. I actually managed to be home by 6:45 and quickly shoved a couple pieces of annie's expertly made pizza into my system and made it down to the pool in record time. No waiting an hour for me. Paul and Melissa and Scott were also all down there, but by the time I made it, only Paul was still swimming. Paul and I played for a bit and raced some (I won mostly) but I wasn't in my best form after working all day and eating heavy food. It was lots of fun though. There were several families with their kids there, and it made me want to take Eugene swimming. Someday if I get out of work soon enough I will, or maybe if Annie and I watch Grace and Luke again.
Oh, I didn't mention Luke's accident yet. My poor Lukie! He was playing at the park for Grandma's birthday when he tripped on something on the ground and fell face-first into a horseshoe stake!!! His actual eye is fine, but his eyelid has super glue in the place of stitches and he is developing quite the purple bruise. The other kids think its pretty cool, but he doesn't seem to want to talk about it too much. It could be because when he had stitches on his hand he had to rehash it over and over, but I think it might be because it is pretty close to what happened to Grandpa Sheck, though his accident was much more severe and did have eye damage. I feel so bad for Julie right now, both her father and son in accidents involving head injuries. I can't imagine it, seeing your little boy all bleeding- my heart aches for him, and I'm not even his mom! He was also behind on his 5 year old shots, so to top it off he had to go to the doctor and get stuck with needles! I have such sympathy thinking about when I broke my nose- the thought of seeing it coming, knowing its going to hurt, but its all so fast that you can't stop it. Okay, now I'm thinking about it too much.
Okay, back to my day- we also watched Mona Lisa Smile, which is better the second time around, especially if you're not starting it at midnight, and facing exhaustion. Then angie and I went on a walk and talked about.....John! Surprised? Didn't think so. No, it was a really good conversation and we talked about other stuff too and relationships in general, and watched some stupid people racing their cars on winchell. 3 SUVs and a Beetle. weirdness.

Quote
"Honesty, its like a breath of fresh air, isn't it?"
I needed some fresh air today, both real and metaphorical. (90 degrees today and not even officially summer)

Wonder of Wonders- Annie has blogged!

I'd like to say congrats to my lovely roomie annie for making it in just under a year between posts on her blog- which now equal a grand total of two! And what did it take to get her to blog again you ask- simply this: she is all done with school, and has a while till she leaves for Cedar Campus, so she stayed up till 5am watching movies and doodling around online- so next year around this time we all have something to look forward to- the third post from annie. If you'd like to visit annie-land go to www.anniesroses.blogspot.com (i just realized as i said that in my head while typing it, it was the voice of the guy who announces the prizes on game shows- which means i need to go to bed.)

And may I just say Hallelujah- one more piece of the puzzle of my life- one of the pesky blue sky ones i mentioned has come into place- maybe not as I thought it would, but it still fits.

(the blog people need to get their spell check to recognize the word "blog.")

Anonymous No Longer

I found out that it was my dear old mother who posted the anonymous comment that I talked about in my last entry, however, still no word on who seems to think that I look like Mandy Moore. Don't know 'bout that one.

May I just say thanks soooooo much to the person who left the anonymous comment to one of my posts about changing so that people who don't have a blogger account can leave comments, "It does accept anonymous posts!" I'm so happy that you checked. actually, it really was what I needed to lift my day. It hasn't been bad- just exhausting. I spent the day walking back and forth from the preschool room to the new school, carrying all manner of classroom ittems, and tomorrow I have to do it again. My arms are heavy and my legs weak. We had an ice cream social for the River today for our getting our building, but I only stayed a short while, becuase I was so tired, and ang and I had been on a walk and then went swimming, so I was still kind of damp, and I just felt brain dead. As I've been teaching austin, sometimes you just need alone time, and thats not a bad thing. It did force me to meet some more people, but i hate it when I feel like people are getting to know me out of duty, or because they know that I don't know anyone. all of my usual people were gone- I don't really know why, except for Paul and Melissa, because her grandfather passed away this last weekend and she's been travelling and has to write the funeral thank- you notes. Lisa, you'll be proud of me- this is all I'm writing, but I'm sure that when I have more energy I'll be back to my usual verbose nature.

Lisa will be dissapointed in me now.

Okay, so I'm adding something. I was just reading Kortnie's blog about how excited she is to get married and see Kelly every day, and come home to him, and I've been talking to angie today- so you know there was some discussion of her and john's relationship, and I guess I am dealing with the fact that I don't have that. Not that I begrudge any of you your relationships, and not that I want you to stop discussing them around me, because it is beautiful and natural for you to do so. And not that I sit at home aching with envy every night, and really I know that I wouldn't be happy with john, or kelly, or mike, or paul, or mark, or jeff, or pretty much any of my friends boyfriends/fiances/husbands, but as an emotional and relational person, there are times where I really wish for that. Right now I don't think that it is in an un-holy way, because I do think that it is possible to desire something- like a life-mate and not have it be out of jealousy. so what I'm really saying is please keep me accountable about that, that I keep it as a healthy desire for the best that I know in my heart God has waiting for me- that I stick with patience tempering my anticipation and trust in God's soveriegn plan leading the course of my every moment. Man, I sound deep when I'm exhausted- maybe I should do this more often and my first book would win a pulitzer or something.

My new skin

Okay, so after messing around with it for FAR too long, I think that I have this thing the way that I wanted it. Or at least mostly. Don't have links, but thats okay. I can figure that out later. My brain is officially fried now though.

Praise The Lord!!!!!!

I am a very happy carrie right now. My day started out as below average- with a headache of the sort that numbs your thoughts and blocks your peripheral vision in one eye, but I still had to go to work- where children are loud and cranky because its the last day of school. But the Lord met my needs by giving me relatively calm children and having them almost all sleep for a good while during nap time. I also got some stuff done that I needed to do for the summer program, and got over my procrastination, and I had a really good talk with Lisa about some of the questions that I've been having. Best of all with the summer program, I get to use the brand-spanking new, air conditioned school for a lot of the time- something I thought I'd have to wait until fall to do. I get to stake my claim on my room now, and have it all ready in advance for next year. I also was feeling cranky because of money concerns and the usual junk that likes to pick at my brain, but after some prayer and checking my finances again, things are looking better than I was originally anticipating. I also talked to Meagan at nap time and she helped me feel better about my situation, and that she is in a similar situation. It helps to have someone be in the mud with you when you're sitting on the ground.

I'm also praising God because I'm getting to seek my CDA, and this will give me greater job security and the possibility of benfits and the like, which will be a big blessing. My parents are willing to put up the money and I can still seek a scholarship that will pay for the majority of my parent's cost. Also, the program that I'm going to be in will be primarily online, which will allow me to work at my own pace, and also still take college classes, and pursue my english degree at the same time. And to top it all off, the program GIVES you a new desktop computer to do your coursework on! I'm sure that it's not the BEST computer in the planet, but if it is new, it must have at least some features that will be useful. I'm considering taking it to work, and putting it in the yellow room, which would be a big blessing, because then I can do some planning things during free play, and next year I'd be able to do a lot during my planning time between preschool classes.

The really big news though, is that we have a BUILDING FOR THE RIVER!!!! I feel sooooo blessed, because I just assumed that it could be forever and a day till we had a home of our own. We have put a down payment on the Threads Church, that I talked about in my last blog, and it turns out that they moved because they grew so much, not because they disbanded. another praise. Still, its all a little scary, but I'm focusing on the praise. And we got it for the price of an average house, how beautiful is that? I must contain my glee and conclude (mounds of summer planning await) but I must say before I go, isn't it wonderful to have a God that will shower us with blessings even when we're feeling ungrateful, even whern we're feeling lonely and ignoring the One who is continually knocking on the door of hearts? I'm truly only beginning to see what it means to live under God's perfect and abundant grace, and I can only hope to in the minute measure that I am able, to emulate this over-reaching and compassionate love to those around me. Too often I am quick to judge, and take small offences as evidence of a greater lack in someone's character. If the Lord looked at us in the same way, there would be no way that there could be any communion between Someone so Holy, and us. That is really my biggest praise of all, and should be so every day.

The Kalamazoo Fire Departmen's Readiness

Last night, once again, the fire alarm went off in our building, around 11pm. Why does it alays seem to happen as I'm falling asleep? The disturbing thing is that, because annie was watching tv in the room, and she and kara had been talking, I had subconciously told myself to ignore the sounds in the room, so I'm fairly sure that I wouldn't have woken up if it hadn't been for annie calling my name and telling me. and she didn't even notice till she turned off the tv. It is piercingly loud in the hallway, but nothing sounds in the individual apartments. I was fairly sure it was a false alarm since this same thing had happened before, but nevertheless, I packaged daisy up in her pet carrier and we all trekked down to Kara's car in our pajamas and wrapped in blankets. a squad car and two engines and the ladder truck from station 6 came fairly quickly. Station 6 is my dad's old station and really close to our apartments. Last time this happened, my father happened to be on duty, and was racing to rescue me when the word came back that it was a false alarm. He called me later to say, "What did you do?" But this time, as then, it was someone smoking in the hallway, pretty much under the red eye thing that detects smoke. Yup, we live in a building with some real geniuses. They smoke in the hallway so that their apartments don't smell like smoke when they leave, but most people just go on the balcony. anyways, my dad wasn't on duty the other night and now he's moved away from st. 6 so he couldn't come and rescue me. we were joking about the question of would my father get to pick which balcony he rescued if we were trapped out on it, while the fire raged. I guess that he would, but I don't think I'd wait around till then. Its not that far to the ground and I'd be okay with jumping and chucking my cat down (in her carrier) if it were a real emergency. I always have to resist saying, "you know my dad," when the kdps comes, because hes worked there for over 20 years, and with his stint as the training officer for the fire department, he pretty much knows everyone. Why do I do that- do I think that they will rescue me more energetically or something? I guess its just that they get so much flak from people who don't appreciate the fact that they risk their lives every day to rescue people who mae dumb mistakes (like the guy who thought he could burn his Christmas tree in his fireplace and slowly feed it up as it burned) I want to show them that I'm "on their side," in whatever small way I may be able to do that.