Go West Young Woman
Okay, so I'm not necessarily planning on moving out tomorrow and loading up my covered wagon to head out to nebraska or something, but lately I've been feeling kind of restless- emotionally and spiritually. I feel like even though i moved ut of my house and went back to school, that i've let myself get into too much of a rut. I have to question if I'm living the life that I'm in because I like it, or because its easy. And once again i've loosely quoted "You've Got Mail." A very useful quote movie- not that anyone really emails like that on a daily basis. So, back to my point. I guess I just feel like tehres something that I'm missing, something that I'm not getting done. Now the question is, how do I go about doing what I haven't been getting done? I guess its a hard question to answer, and really- id ont think that my life or my friends are bad or anything, its just not all there. And I dont think that this is just me wanting to sow my wild oats or something, I really feel like God is urging me in this way. Lately, Hes been teaching me a lot of stuff about the way that I let safety and the security of the things that I've aquired, and the place that ive made for myslf lull me into complacency on things that I really shouldn't be complacent about. My life has made me fearful of new things, and I used to be so bold, so on fire, so eager for life. Now just feel stuck here by all of my posessions and by wmu. I haven't signed up for any classes next semester, and I really don't think that I will. I know that it is the safe and sensible thing to do, to stay in school and earn my degree, but for once, I can't be safe. If i enter into classes now, all that I will fel is traped till june and then i wont give it my all, which would be foolish because of all the money my fam. would be investing and if i got crappy grades then it would affect me if i ever did want to get my degree. Not that I could really see myself doing that at wmu. I just don't know that this all means though, and I have no idea of where this new boldness will take me. I'm not going to join the army, or a cult, or become a pirate, or something, but please please please pray for me if you are reading this. I know that I ask that a lot and i know that i amthe worst at not doing that for other people, but i really feel like God is calling me to change some things in my life in an awesome way, and it really is freaking me out!

2 Kinds of Munchies, and Neither of Them Yummy

So today, one of the kids had to miss after school program because had kicked another kid in the face and some other stuff which is too long to go into now, but needless to say, he wasn't very happy about all of that. so angie came in and got him a book and his name bookmark from the book box in the after school room. Later, when we were all together again someone gave me the book back and i noticed right away that the bookmark had been mauled- but since i had laminated it, it wasn't torn into pieces. It took me a little while longer to see that the book had a bunch of little dents in it, and then a split second to realize that the dents were from his teeth! No joke, he had chewed on the book! What am I going to do with him? It was worse than if Daisy had gotten into it. I know he was angry at missing after school program, but to react by biting a book? Now I'm trying to think of a creative and effective consequence. I've really been drumming it into them that these particular books are special and that they nee to take extra care with them and treat them as they would a library book. I also don't want to create extra problems for him at home. What I'm thinking of is making him sharpen colored pencils for me and counting each one as a nickle or 3 cents or something and then have him do it till the $3.99 is paid back. At first I think he'd think it was kind of fun, but I think it'd get old pretty quick. I just need to think on it tomorrow morning, for now it is back to the endless stream of homework (which annie and interrupted for the way drawn out bachelor finale- i haven't even really been watching it, but still i was drawn in, and at least he picked the right girl)

Not a Quote, but a Recipe
In my research for my Elizabethan newspaper, I came across some Renaissance recipes, such as the ever popular Fartes of Portingale but I want to share with you the recipe for Ipocras With Red Wine.

Take a gallon of wine, three ounces of cinnamon, two ounces of ginger, a quarter of an ounce of cloves, an ounce of mace, twenty corns of pepper, an ounce of nutmeg, three pounds of sugar, and two quarts of cream.

What does that make?! Annie and i couldn't figure it out, but we were sure that you would end up with an awfully big vat of something!

Pigging Out

so, I've been trying to eat healthier lately, and to not snack as much, but I've been noticing something when i don't snack. During the middle of nap time my brain just shuts down and my mood goes south as well. This is partially due to having to wake up jakob and luke- who look so peaceful asleep, and i know how i hate having to get up to the alarm so i have much sympathy for them, and also i have to try to keep the ones that don't sleep from being too crazy and waking everyone else up. I think though that I might have a thyroid problem that is affecting me too. So i'm trying to eat many little meals during the day, instead of three bigger ones. The only problem I've seen so far is that I feel like a pig, and i feel hungry lots of the time. I guess ill just have to exercize more, even though were done with the girls work out thing.


Quote
Once again I go to Lewis, from The Great Divorce "If we insist on keeping Hell (or even earth) we shall not see Heaven: if we accept Heaven we shall not be able to retain even the smallest and most intimate souveniers of Hell." (now, if only I could remember this and focus on what my ultimate goal is, rather than on all of the small insignificant things here that bog me down)

3 Weeks To Go!

Taking a break from the dreaded group project creation just to say hi. Hope everyone else's semester is a little less hectic than my own. I've got projects up the wazoo. I'm presently making anewspaper for Elizabethan times. weird. But at least I found a place where you can make your own word searches and crossword puzzles. Definetly worth coming back to.

Also were done with our girls work out thing. I'm happy to not have to remeber it, but I need to motivation to actually do it. At least I'm going climbing this sunday! If I could afford it and had someone to belay me, that would be my work out!


No Quote No quote tonight folks, but a recommendation. Read C.S. Lewis's Grat Divorce and then liten to the song on Caedmon's Call thats based off of it- on Back Home I'm fairly sure. #6 I think. They are both great alone, but doing the two in concert is one of those "ohhh," moments in life. I think that I'm going to write an article on it and applying it to our daily life (been done, but sticking to my discipline of writing to develop my skills)

Quote
Masquerade by Caedmon's Call-
Long Line of Leavers

In the Center of the City
Comes the Illusion of the day
When everything looks pretty
It's easy to think you've found the way
But it's all just a big masquerade


Very true words, and even more impactful when combined with the music and vocals. Why do people do that? Why are we all so practiced in the masks that we wear? I know thats not exactly what the song is talking about- societal artifice- but its just something that has been on my heart, and something i want to avoid.

Quote

The Education of Carrie H.

So, I've decided that WMU sucks. Well, I kinda always knew that it wasn't the greatest college in the world, but i'm really discouraged right now. But, I'm making myself turn my rotten bananas into banana bread. I am annoyed that I always look back and think about what might have happened if I had planned better while I was dual enrolling in high school, or if I'd had the chance to just enter and stay at one college for my whole career. How might my life have been different. But then I think about my friends, my life, and my work and decide i'm just overthinking things (my brothers voice runs through my head "stop thinking so much, care!"- and yet he does the same thing.) anyways, if i really want to get something out of my college life i'm going to have to out in more effort than the crappy busy work that a lot of profs try to pass off as an education. There's a book that I want to get from fcs that discusses the Christian symbolism and lessons from a lot of classical fiction. I'm also going to reread a lot of Christian writing with more of a purpose of seeing what is really good, and what is really poorly written. Right now, I'm on a big C.S. Lewis kick. I'm also making myself write for at least 7 hours a week (ideally 1 hour per day, but some of you know my schedule know that will never happen) so if you see me slacking off be sure to get on my case, or if you want to read something that I've written just ask, or go to faithwriters.com( i should have some stuff there soon), 'cause i really need to get used to constructive criticism- please keep in mind that the operative word here is constructive. Well, I need to get some sleep so i can get a good start tomorrow on one of my 30billion group projects.

Quote Prince Caspianfrom C.S Lewis- "Am I not to know?"
"To know what would have happened child?" said Aslan. "No. Nobody is ever told that." "Oh dear," said Lucy. "But anyone can find out what will happen..."

I'm sure y'all have had those days. Not the day where everything goes wrong, but the day where things seem to be going fine and then something that you did, something entirely innocent reaches up and bites you on the butt. That happened to me yesterday. I had a confrontation with one of the dads at my school. It was about something that i did and i, as well as the other teachers around have faith that i didn't do anything wrong, but it still upset me. There was a time where i would have been crying at even less of a confrontation, but this time i wasn't. Maybe it was that I had a minute to prepare myself, or maybe its just that it happened at a convenient time for me hormonally, but it really showed me how much i've matured in my ability to deal with people that are unpleasant towards me. That is something that I am very grateful that I have the daycare for. I am forced daily to make decisions and to speak in front of the kids, and though this doesn't exactly compare to speaking to a group of adults, I am still more comfortable with group speaking than I was- which I once dreaded more than anything. Now I'm on the other side, of trying to make myself shut up. I have been blessed with enough intelligence to have something to say in class on a variety of subjects, but I don't want to be "that person" the one in class who is always talking, who feels that they have all the answers. Because I know that I don't. But I also hate it when no one is answering the question because they don't feel like talking or don't know the answer- if I know it and no one else will talk then I will come up with something to say. When I think about my classes, I used to be really negative, but lately I have been seeing the opportunity for evangelism that I have really been missing there. That is an area where I have always been weak (its very close to public speaking.) But we were discussing the Faerie Queen in Brit Lit, which has a lot of allegories from Christianity and it pained me to see that a lot of them I was the only one to get, and it made me sad that I have been forgetting what I am really there for- and here for- or anywhere for, and it isn't for grades, it isn't for a husband, a family, a lifestyle, or acquiring possessions, it is only to be the best representation of Christ that I can be to those that I come into contact with, which is something that I have been forgetting as I begin to see the end of my long college life coming closer. Once again I have written too much, but it is because the cord for my laptop is broken and I haven't gotten a new one yet, so I haven't had that outlet to write there (im writing on my roomies comp- which is the one that's attached to the cable modem) 3 Hours to STOMP!


Quote: Courtney- just after my confrontation with the dad at my daycare, while playing with another girl who was pretending to be her mom- "Today, my mommy and I are going on a Honeymoon!" (I love that girl!)

Urrrg! I hate group projects!

Man- i really do need to stop bloggin when I'm this tired.

Okay, so did i sound whiny enough about the state of normal christian life in our little area of suburbia? I shouldnt write at that time of night, and I guessi shouldn't be writing now either, because i am awake on about 4.5 hours of sleep. why am I not in bed? Because I'm dumb. At least my class tomorrow is cancelled- though i do have a test on friday in that class. Its not really a hard class though- its mainly remembering the different sociologists and what they focused on.
So today I received a wedding invitation from my friends nick and em! I'm so excited for them- they've been dating for a million years and are both graduating from college so the timing is really right. Also, this is the first of my close close friends to be married- and its two of them. Friends of mine- obviously- have gotten married before, but this is nick and em- who i doubled with to prom, who we went to OP with, who i went out to east hall with, and they are going to be husband and wife! I can remember when they met- sometimes high school seems like yesterday, but right now it seems like a lifetime ago. I have passed out of contact with a lot of people from that time, and my life doesn't resemble very closely where I thought that I'd be right now. I thought that I'd be done with school (i could've if id stayed at rbc) and in a job in a church. I can say with perfect conviction though that i'm right where i'm supposed to be, which is something that has taken me a while to see. When I'm not faling asleep while trying to work, i really do love my work- and i think that im good at what I do, and i know that i would hate to miss out , now that we're finally going to have a school. angie and I were talking recently about how this would be a good job, preschool in the mornings, plus some before and after schol care, would be perfect, even after I graduate, until I can get my foot in the door with the whole writing gig. Though my dream is to already have my whole body in the door by that point and not have to struggle along too much. And who knows, I might be married by then to some wealthy guy and not have to work that much at all. (Note the trace of sarcasm) Actually, that brings me back to why i originally brought up the whole nick and em thing- I don't have a date. And that makes me want to be a cry baby. Not because I'm super envious and wish it were me instead of them or anything. I just don't want to be the only one from my old crowd that is there and has no one to dance with. Because they'd probably point it out, and each guy would politiely ask me to dance one dance with him, and then id be sitting around the rest of the time. I don't need a boyfriend, what i really need is just someone that i can be comfortable with and feel natural hanging around and dancing with. Thats all. Is that selfish of me? Or needy? I know that God could work in me by having me be alone at the wedding, but it would still be nice to have someone to sit with at least. One more thing to put on my prayer list- I knew it was coming, and I've been praying in preparation. Do I rsvp and say 2 or 1? I have a while 'cause the weddings not till jan 2. I think that my motives are pure in wanting this, and I don't think that i am jealous and needy. I guess I just have to pray that they continue to be so, and that God will help me to accept whatever happens. Man, I'm overdramatic when I'm tired.


Quote:"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in posession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife." Jane austen - Pride and Prejudice (A book well worthy of reading, and a miniseries well worth seeing all 5 hours of, even if just for Colin Firth!)

Okay, why am i writing now? I dont know- its 11:27 and i have to be up at 5. Im just stupid. I guess I just feel like actually doing something other than work and homework. (Im biting my tongue against complaining about my profs.) I was at family christian stores tonight looking for a book covering the different views on baptism- i did a paper on it at rbc, but its been a while and i miss not having a christian library- one of the few good things about rbc. may I just say that fcs is very disorganized, and you cant find what you want unless you look it up on amazon or something before you come in. Its nice that its so big now, but whats the point if you cant find anything. Anyways, i ran into mark- who was having a similar problem finding what he wanted- and we got into a discussion on all of the stupid dating books that are out there for christians. There was one there that was "101 ways to catch and keep a man" 1. I dont want to be a woman who "catches" a man. 2. I don't want to have to catch a man- i want him to like me for me- without any ploys or conniving. I guess im just tired of it all- the sneakiness of christian women as a whole- there seems to be a lack of good godly guys out there so women feel like they all must be on the prowl every day of their lives. I just don't want to play those games- and all the wondering and worry over it all- when this world is sucha brief time period of our eteral existance- Im sure that when we get up to heaven all of our worries from here and now will seem so stupid- but im also sure well have better things to do than think about how dumb we were on earth. I guess im ranting because i met a guy recently who is attractive and nice and has many of the qualities that i want in a guy, and i admitted this to some of my friends and now they are convinced that i have a major thing for him and that im spending my time pining away for him. Their advise ranges from going over to his place and asking him out to the bar (so me isnt it?) and more feasibly inviting him to watch a movie. Its just not worth the effort. So- I'm boycotting dumb christian dating books, boycotting worrying over guy/girl relationships and seriously thinking about boycotting disney fairy tale movies and romantic comedies where there is really no plot and the people really couldnt or souldnt be in love with each other (ill save that for a diff rant) I probably won't really boycott the movies- im too much of a romantic for that and im all conviction and no action. okay, nowi really am being dumb- procrastinating and not going to bed. Later ya'all!